How to Transform Frustration into Lasting Change — the Reality of Working with People

Working with people has it’s ups and downs. Ups are either cheap or hard won — and the downs are 100% preventable.

This article is for folks interested in deepening their people-skills but perhaps more so for those who are willing to admit that working with people is hard.

Here are 3 truths for this article:

1. Your disappointment with someone is entirely on you (not their responsibility)
2. The greatest impact you will have on someone is called influence
3. Manipulation does not equal influence

Success in anything is entirely dependent on our ability to work with people. Regardless of your profession, aptitude, intelligence, or determination — people-skills is the great fulcrum in life.

If you’ve carved a future path that clearly establishes need for human interaction, chances are you’re interested in becoming a better people-person — and hopefully learning more about yourself as well.

But for those of us who think we’ve devised a way around having to deal with people — a rude awakening is at hand! Rarely are we presented opportunities simultaneously providing growth and a place to hide.

Every interaction we have with a fellow human is an opportunity to make the world a different place. If you believe people don’t change, then you haven’t experienced the power of influence (remember, manipulation does not equal influence).

But what is influence? And how do we know if it is happening?

There is a simple metric that measures influence — and it isn’t sales, likes, subscribes, or scores. It is paradigm change.

Every human views the world through a different lens. This lens is composed of all sorts of influence:

• DNA
• Upbringing / culture / family life
• Consequences of choices
• Learning
• Desire / addiction

The way we view everything in life is based on our lens. But isn’t just one lens — it’s the layer of our subconscious being that interacts first with everything we perceive.

When the way we perceive something changes, that’s a paradigm change. It’s a huge deal because it happens without conscious effort, but at the same time we are also aware of it.

A paradigm change requires agreement from our core value system and everything we believe to be true. You can imagine that a paradigm change is likely to be a life-altering event, but it isn’t always.

If I seek to influence someone and I don’t permanently alter their life, did I really accomplish anything of value?

When we take our first steps in influencing others we are brave and disillusioned.

Our heart is in the right place — making the world a better place one human at a time — and it takes bravery to believe it is possible!

Disillusionment is what causes frustration (not people!).

Influencing people takes an immense amount of work, care, humanity, and above all — positive friction. As we discover these truths, a whole new world opens…

Believing that influence (and change) is as simple as having a conversation comes from a disillusioned point of view. People don’t change [that easily].

We prevent the “downs” of working with people only when we truly understand the nature of influence and the elements required for lasting change.

None of this is easy. Or quick. Or cheap. Or painless.

Here’s where most people go wrong from the get-go: Arrogantly applying the “golden rule” and therefore making assumptions (yep, they make an ass out of u and me; not people — assumptions — but… people too??).

Remember, the people you are “influencing” are your litmus test and paradigm change is the metric.

So, why on earth do we think that what’s best for us is also best for someone else? Arrogance. Tunnel vision. Laziness. Lack of experience. Lack of wisdom…

Think about a frustrating people-related problem you’ve worked on solving. Do you recall ever wondering:

• Why don’t they get it?
• I’ve told them over and over and they still keep asking!
• Why don’t I just do this myself?
• I thought they were perfectly clear and they still messed it up!
• Am I the crazy one?

I can simply accept that working with people is difficult and muscle through it or I can change my thinking and do big(er) things.

As a person used to working with people, you’ve heard of empathy and know the value of understanding someone from their paradigm — their perspective. This is the place to start but isn’t the finish line!

To affect paradigm change, we must first understand a person’s paradigm — or at least know they have one — and know it isn’t easily changed.

Influencing someone to the extent that the way they perceive the world changes is a labor of love. It requires selfless motivation and belief that both we and they are worthy and valuable.

We each posses a sphere of influence. The reality is that it starts small and only expands as our investment in those we care about grows.

The most practical approach to expanding people-skills and developing the ability to influence others is to start with those closest to you — maybe a trusted coworker or friend.

Influence starts with trust, grows through mutual communication, and becomes a reality when ideas are challenged with thoughtful and positive friction. In general, our ability to influence will not expand beyond the scope of our own paradigm shifts.

Stepping outside the paradigm changes we’ve personally experienced will be quickly discerned as disingenuous. We must first be vulnerable to change, to adapt, and to accept that someone has a life experience we need to learn from.

Creating lasting [positive] change is the primary goal of developing people-skills. It requires us to be real with ourselves, and real with those around us. There are no shortcuts, schemes, or techniques.

These are truths:

• We choose success [or not]
• We make choices [or blame]
• We pay a price for bravery [or hide]
• We grow our sphere of influence by changing the lives of those around us

Whether I believe it is easy to work with people or they all drive me nuts — I have not yet learned or harnessed the power of influence. Each day is missed opportunity.

Growth — like change — is hard work, and well worth the investment.

Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com.